Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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