I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
We need a shit load of segways right now
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Randomize
