the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
we should paint friendship bongs
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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