The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
