Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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