he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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