I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
