i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
