Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
