First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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