they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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