I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
