Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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