Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
