oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
