Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
