I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
