why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
