I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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