Just mADE A PArabola og urine
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
