So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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