This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
