You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
