R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
