I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
