So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
