How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
