Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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