i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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