I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
