I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
