Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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