some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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