At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
