I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
