I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
