it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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