you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
