Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Help. Why am I so naked?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
