I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
