you traded sex for a burrito?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
After tacos, we're chasing women.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
