im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
