And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
