Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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