I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
