I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
