capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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