theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I want her autograph on my taint
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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