Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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