I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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